Broken Together 

It's been a running theme in my life lately & if it's a theme in my life, I know it's a theme in another person's life.  I can't even begin to describe how much a roller coaster my life has been these past few months. I wake up and some days I just scream "CAN'T IT JUST BE EASY!" I feel as if my life is like the Real Housewives: Orange County, except with no money. Seriously though, adult life is so complex. And the thing is, whenever someone asks me "How are you doing?" all I end up saying is, "Great!" or as of lately, "I'm hot." (It's hot here in CA, not my personal attractiveness). I feel as if I can't be truthful with people, like they ask only just to make conversation, or even if they do want to know, ain't no one got the time to sit down and hear it. We are expected to pretend as if our lives are perfect & everything is just super duper. But in reality, we all have our own reality shows and we all are struggling. There is no one with an exception. 

        It's all around us. Television, movies, books, or even Twitter. But my personal favorite is Instagram. I'm a big fan of Instagram. I love pictures & picture taking and this social media site is perfect way to get a glimpse into someone's life through a camera lens. However, it has a negative side- people are in control of what you see on their page, and people filter. Most of the time my news feed is filled with only beautiful ocean views, lots (lots) of marriage proposals, friends having fun, and food at any time of the day. But what you never see is the pain, the broken pieces, the tears, the sweat pants-no make up-haven't showered in a couple days hair. You only see their lives as perfect. And I am at fault for this too! But who wouldn't be? Of course you don't want someone to see you vulnerable! That's just instinct. Not wanting people to see you sad or upset or crying goes far past social media though. 

       If you haven't noticed, I am a religious person. And no matter what church I have ever gone to it it's the same thing, people are thought to have no issues. And if they do, it can be very well known. People want others to just think they have a perfect little life.  At my previous church, I was in charge of the Youth Band every Sunday. This meant that I had to help them practice at 7am (you heard me right) and that when it was show time, everything ran perfectly. It was a lot of stress every Sunday. And I'll be honest, there were some days I just didn't care if a word on the screen was misspelled or they missed a verse or the lights didn't come on at the right time. And it's no different at a new church- there are days I could care less how I look to others, or if my lesson is prepared. I just think "whatever." I know I know, that's really bad! But is it? 

     Enough pretending. Not just in a religious setting either. Enough for all of us pretending like our lives are perfect or that we aren't going home at the end of the night crying. Yeah, there are moments when I do say I'm struggling, but when I do, there is no emotion behind it. I put on a smile and say, "I'll be okay!" On the inside, I'm broken. We are not just one person alone in all of this. We are broken together and we are here to help one another. Don't know your purpose? Don't understand what you're meant to be doing? Well, in my opinion, we are here to help one another over come obstacles and to remind each other that we aren't doing this alone. Humans are not meant to stand alone. If they were, The Walking Dead would be reality. You are not alone in this world. You are not unwanted. You are not unloved. And if you don't think that someone out there knows exactly what you're going though, you're wrong. Sure, it may not be the same situation but the feelings are the same. You don't know what step to take next, you don't know who to turn to, you don't think you can trust anyone, and you don't feel loved. All of these things I have felt. And I know that you have too.

     I am broken. I am in pain. I feel unloved. I feel unwanted. I feel useless. I feel vulnerable.  I feel scared. I feel like no one is listening. I feel broke. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I'm not good looking enough. I feel inferior. I feel intimated. I feel hopeless. But, what I do know is that we are not alone in anything. And that when we do open up and be honest, it allows someone else to do the same. Let's stop pretending like our lives are Instagram perfect, because behind that app is a person who just hoping for a little safety. We all want to feel safe. So being vulnerable is the opposite of that. But what happens if we are all vulnerable? There is safety in love. Stop hiding your struggles, there might be someone out there that needs to hear them.

One Year Anniversary. 

I have been thinking about this post for months and it's been in the making ever since. One year ago, March 8th, 2014, I was baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You could say that if the church was a man, it would have proposed by now. Leading up to this day I had been isolated from my family, lost a lot of my friends from my former church, and had no idea what exactly I was going to be coming into. The thought of "what if this is a mistake" kept popping into my head. And what if it was? I had no idea of knowing. I never understood the meaning of the word "baptized" until I joined my church. I thought even if I was baptized, if it wasn't the church for me, I could just leave. And in reality, I could have. So the main question is, why the heck would I go through with being baptized?

One of the hardest things for me was when I was sitting in the chair in the children's room in my white jumpsuit with my elders by my side waiting to officially be a member. I had such loving support from amazing people, but all I could think about was how my family and my good friends at the time weren't there. The people I wanted to know loved me regardless of faith, weren't there. I knew that my life would forever change, I just didn't know how. And sometimes that is the scariest thing. The not knowing. And when you go against everyone in your life, the not knowing sometimes means going at it alone. But in a church, you are never going at it "alone."

My church has become my family. The people I have met just in the first year of being a member have made me more fully understand how right my decision was. That moment of uncertainty as I sat in the chair fades away when I think of the love, pure love I have felt. And it's not like everyone is BFF's with everyone, not everyone is going to love you. That's when the moments of knowing that the gospel I have gives me strength. I have never been closer to my God more than I am now. And I truly didn't think that was possible. And while some people may say I am "brain washed" or in a "cult," I always remember how much I felt the Holy Ghost when I had prayed about it and no one can deny me that. But, as much as I have learned, there is nothing more valuable to me is the importance of respect I have gained.

I am  Catholic raised Christian youth leader Mormon. There are many people from my former church who stopped talking to me, stopped respecting me, asked me to stop talking with the youth, and some to this day tell me what a horrible person I am. At first I was hurt and bitter. I thought "who are they to judge me?" And then it hit me, Who are we to judge anyone? While I am proud to a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, that does not give me the right to be arrogant and to go up to people and tell them how wrong their faith is. If someone apart of the church would have come up to me and told me how wrong my faith was, I would have never joined this church.

If we tell people and think that we are better than them, how does that make us any better than the people from my former church telling me to unfriend the youth because I'm such a horrible person? IT DOESN'T. No offense to anyone that thinks they are better, but you aren't Heavenly Father. A respect for what others believe can make their view on your faith that much more eye opening. A respect and willingness to understand allows them to want to understand yours as well. A respect for others makes a huge difference in their lives, weather either of you see it or not.

In the scriptures we read that Heavenly Father's love can move mountains. And when we have that kind of love for others, it changes everything. I have learned in my first year as being a member of the Mormon church that love and respect for others and their faiths is what is going to change everything for me and them and us together. Respecting each other will move mountains.

I am so grateful for my privilege to be apart of this gospel. To be challenged and growing every day. To have the people I do in my life and that love me unconditionally, even when I frustrate them. I am so grateful to be a Mormon.