Wait, what just happened?

       I'm a planner, it's what I do. I have a hard time with "just going with the flow" or planning last minute, especially during the week. So it would be no surprise that I like to have a plan for my life as well (eek!). It's typically the usual- school, where to live, who to date (Josh Hutcherson), etc.etc.etc. Yet it feels like whenever I make plans, Heavenly Father laughs. And yes, we have all heard that phrase before, but, really, how can we plan when we don't know?

          Having true faith is like walking blind into the forest, all you know is that you are surrounded by a bunch of trees- not very helpful. In that moment though, that is our reality. God calls us to have faith, to trust, and endure to the end, but I think sometimes, we don't complete understand what that means. In my life I have been tested far beyond what I think I can bear. I have been pushed both physically and emotionally, have been pulled in so many directions I felt like my head would pop off, I have felt like I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. And then it hit me, I don't. I don't know where I am going to be in a few months let alone in a few years. My God does though. He knows exactly what I am going to do, what mistakes I will make, who I will marry, how many kids I will have, and the life I will led. So, why is it so important for us to have a plan if He already knows?

        Like I said, I plan, so you could say I am a control freak (maybe a little..) We like to plan because we want to be able to avoid the mistakes, the heart break, and the obstacles that could come our way. We want to hurt as least as possible, we want control over what happens in our lives. Reality: we aren't in control. And this seems to be a topic I bring up quite a bit, but as my life constantly changes I realize more and more how even if MY plan doesn't happen, HIS will. Pain is going to happen, obstacles will always be there, that is never going to change. However, it is the way we approach them that can change anything.

      This gospel is an every day gospel. Every day we need to get up and yes to our Heavenly Father, we need to say to ourselves that we are worth fighting for, we need to understand that our lives have value- even if it's not what we expected. Let's face it, a lot of our lives turn out not how we expected them too. When we are going through trials we don't see a good outcome in our future and for me at least I constantly ask: "WHAT IS THE POINT OF THIS?" And like most times, He doesn't respond to my winning. Every challenge we face has a point. Every single one. And every single day we need to try to find that point, try to find that value in what we are going through. Every day. This gospel is an every day gospel.

       Heavenly Father has never promised us that this life will be pain free or easy, but He has promised us that it is worth it. I have learned that our plans never measure up to His. And as hard as it is for me, especially me, I know that my faith and testimony are strong enough to overcome. And so are yours. We just have to tell ourselves every day that we are worth more than what we feel like. We are worth more than we can even imagine. So, what kind of plan do you want? Yours or His?

      

Broken Together 

It's been a running theme in my life lately & if it's a theme in my life, I know it's a theme in another person's life.  I can't even begin to describe how much a roller coaster my life has been these past few months. I wake up and some days I just scream "CAN'T IT JUST BE EASY!" I feel as if my life is like the Real Housewives: Orange County, except with no money. Seriously though, adult life is so complex. And the thing is, whenever someone asks me "How are you doing?" all I end up saying is, "Great!" or as of lately, "I'm hot." (It's hot here in CA, not my personal attractiveness). I feel as if I can't be truthful with people, like they ask only just to make conversation, or even if they do want to know, ain't no one got the time to sit down and hear it. We are expected to pretend as if our lives are perfect & everything is just super duper. But in reality, we all have our own reality shows and we all are struggling. There is no one with an exception. 

        It's all around us. Television, movies, books, or even Twitter. But my personal favorite is Instagram. I'm a big fan of Instagram. I love pictures & picture taking and this social media site is perfect way to get a glimpse into someone's life through a camera lens. However, it has a negative side- people are in control of what you see on their page, and people filter. Most of the time my news feed is filled with only beautiful ocean views, lots (lots) of marriage proposals, friends having fun, and food at any time of the day. But what you never see is the pain, the broken pieces, the tears, the sweat pants-no make up-haven't showered in a couple days hair. You only see their lives as perfect. And I am at fault for this too! But who wouldn't be? Of course you don't want someone to see you vulnerable! That's just instinct. Not wanting people to see you sad or upset or crying goes far past social media though. 

       If you haven't noticed, I am a religious person. And no matter what church I have ever gone to it it's the same thing, people are thought to have no issues. And if they do, it can be very well known. People want others to just think they have a perfect little life.  At my previous church, I was in charge of the Youth Band every Sunday. This meant that I had to help them practice at 7am (you heard me right) and that when it was show time, everything ran perfectly. It was a lot of stress every Sunday. And I'll be honest, there were some days I just didn't care if a word on the screen was misspelled or they missed a verse or the lights didn't come on at the right time. And it's no different at a new church- there are days I could care less how I look to others, or if my lesson is prepared. I just think "whatever." I know I know, that's really bad! But is it? 

     Enough pretending. Not just in a religious setting either. Enough for all of us pretending like our lives are perfect or that we aren't going home at the end of the night crying. Yeah, there are moments when I do say I'm struggling, but when I do, there is no emotion behind it. I put on a smile and say, "I'll be okay!" On the inside, I'm broken. We are not just one person alone in all of this. We are broken together and we are here to help one another. Don't know your purpose? Don't understand what you're meant to be doing? Well, in my opinion, we are here to help one another over come obstacles and to remind each other that we aren't doing this alone. Humans are not meant to stand alone. If they were, The Walking Dead would be reality. You are not alone in this world. You are not unwanted. You are not unloved. And if you don't think that someone out there knows exactly what you're going though, you're wrong. Sure, it may not be the same situation but the feelings are the same. You don't know what step to take next, you don't know who to turn to, you don't think you can trust anyone, and you don't feel loved. All of these things I have felt. And I know that you have too.

     I am broken. I am in pain. I feel unloved. I feel unwanted. I feel useless. I feel vulnerable.  I feel scared. I feel like no one is listening. I feel broke. I feel like I have no idea what I'm doing. I feel like I'm not good looking enough. I feel inferior. I feel intimated. I feel hopeless. But, what I do know is that we are not alone in anything. And that when we do open up and be honest, it allows someone else to do the same. Let's stop pretending like our lives are Instagram perfect, because behind that app is a person who just hoping for a little safety. We all want to feel safe. So being vulnerable is the opposite of that. But what happens if we are all vulnerable? There is safety in love. Stop hiding your struggles, there might be someone out there that needs to hear them.

One Year Anniversary. 

I have been thinking about this post for months and it's been in the making ever since. One year ago, March 8th, 2014, I was baptized into The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. You could say that if the church was a man, it would have proposed by now. Leading up to this day I had been isolated from my family, lost a lot of my friends from my former church, and had no idea what exactly I was going to be coming into. The thought of "what if this is a mistake" kept popping into my head. And what if it was? I had no idea of knowing. I never understood the meaning of the word "baptized" until I joined my church. I thought even if I was baptized, if it wasn't the church for me, I could just leave. And in reality, I could have. So the main question is, why the heck would I go through with being baptized?

One of the hardest things for me was when I was sitting in the chair in the children's room in my white jumpsuit with my elders by my side waiting to officially be a member. I had such loving support from amazing people, but all I could think about was how my family and my good friends at the time weren't there. The people I wanted to know loved me regardless of faith, weren't there. I knew that my life would forever change, I just didn't know how. And sometimes that is the scariest thing. The not knowing. And when you go against everyone in your life, the not knowing sometimes means going at it alone. But in a church, you are never going at it "alone."

My church has become my family. The people I have met just in the first year of being a member have made me more fully understand how right my decision was. That moment of uncertainty as I sat in the chair fades away when I think of the love, pure love I have felt. And it's not like everyone is BFF's with everyone, not everyone is going to love you. That's when the moments of knowing that the gospel I have gives me strength. I have never been closer to my God more than I am now. And I truly didn't think that was possible. And while some people may say I am "brain washed" or in a "cult," I always remember how much I felt the Holy Ghost when I had prayed about it and no one can deny me that. But, as much as I have learned, there is nothing more valuable to me is the importance of respect I have gained.

I am  Catholic raised Christian youth leader Mormon. There are many people from my former church who stopped talking to me, stopped respecting me, asked me to stop talking with the youth, and some to this day tell me what a horrible person I am. At first I was hurt and bitter. I thought "who are they to judge me?" And then it hit me, Who are we to judge anyone? While I am proud to a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, that does not give me the right to be arrogant and to go up to people and tell them how wrong their faith is. If someone apart of the church would have come up to me and told me how wrong my faith was, I would have never joined this church.

If we tell people and think that we are better than them, how does that make us any better than the people from my former church telling me to unfriend the youth because I'm such a horrible person? IT DOESN'T. No offense to anyone that thinks they are better, but you aren't Heavenly Father. A respect for what others believe can make their view on your faith that much more eye opening. A respect and willingness to understand allows them to want to understand yours as well. A respect for others makes a huge difference in their lives, weather either of you see it or not.

In the scriptures we read that Heavenly Father's love can move mountains. And when we have that kind of love for others, it changes everything. I have learned in my first year as being a member of the Mormon church that love and respect for others and their faiths is what is going to change everything for me and them and us together. Respecting each other will move mountains.

I am so grateful for my privilege to be apart of this gospel. To be challenged and growing every day. To have the people I do in my life and that love me unconditionally, even when I frustrate them. I am so grateful to be a Mormon.

The Fight of My Life 

 It's been one of those months. Those months we all want to throw up our arms and scream. We want to yell at people because we are so frustrated. We want to curl up and just cry ourselves to sleep that way we don't have to think anymore. Where we don't care what we look like because our appearance matches our feelings.  Just one of those months where you sit in your room crying and you do not know where to turn. And in these moments we think all the pain we are going through is not worth the end result. It's not worth feeling as if your heart is ripping from your chest. It's not worth trusting God.
       But through all of this, time and time again, Heavenly Father has shown me that He does know best. It's very hard to be Mormon. It's hard to live by the standards, to show respect for others that treat you horribly based on religion, to keep holding out for the promises of a better eternity, to give control over to our Heavenly Father. Sometimes it's just too hard. I want to say forget it and run out and dye my hair pink, get a nose piercing, and a tattoo of a cat. I want to drop everything and make the pain stop. But what would that make me? I think that the pain can go away by focusing on something else, by forgetting the rules and being a rebel. By moving on and saying you don't care anymore.
      Here's the thing with that. We are just cowards. We want the easy way out. We want to be able to feel comfortable and think the decisions we are making are the right ones. When things get too tough for our hearts to manage we will find any excuse to run and hide until the pain stops. We give up. And that is not what God has called us to do. He has told us that we need to trust Him, above all. We have to trust Him if we want to get anywhere. Heavenly Father never said life would be easy and sometimes he pushes what we believe are our breaking points. But He knows better. Come to find out, they aren't. We are a lot stronger than we think. And He has commanded us not to give up. The only time we fail is when we give up. When we stop fighting for Him. When we stop fighting to see Him again. When we forget the purpose of our life here on earth- to gain experiences and knowledge that will lead us back to Him. When we stop fighting for a better eternity is when we fail.
     Fighting for Heavenly Father and those promises made to us at baptism are the hardest thing we endure. But, on the other side, it's worth more than we can possibly understand.

Jeremiah 29:11

The verse reads, "I know the plans I have for you."
I think I have read that same verse and same sentence time and time again. Over and over. And still it never truly sunk in until now. Think about it, God knows our plans for our lives. He knows everything we will go through, every path we will choose to take, every emotion we will encounter along that way. He knows everything. I can't even begin to describe how weird that is to me. I love God more than anyone and anything but that is weird. Sometimes I think how can He? There are so many people in this world, how can He know my life? He must be one organized person..

But just like He loves me specifically, He knows everything about me. He just knows. And on one side, the impatient side, wants to know the things in my life that I will encounter. I want to know who I will marry, if I will have kids, what my life career will be. I just want to know so much! And that's what makes it hard to take action on very risky situations, the not knowing part. I am the person that reads the end of the book first and skips ahead in Netflix shows to see how things turn out. But, the other side of me has a very comforting feel in knowing that Heavenly Father knows what I will be doing and going through and will be there for me when I need it.

It's weird to think that my whole life is already planned out. That no matter what path I choose to take, the long or short way, that it will all mean something in the end. That by trusting in God and following His plan for me, I will be okay. But it is His plan, not mine. When Heavenly Father says jump, I jump. And while some people may think that's being "brain washed" or "not living for myself," I have learned that by not listening to the Holy Ghost and God, the route is that much longer and that more painful. "I know the plans I have for you." And those plans will include so much joy, so much life, and so much love. But, I have to trust in the fact that He knows better than I do. I have to have faith. Because if I don't I will loose my purpose.

My purpose is to trust in my God. Is to show people the love of Christ through my actions. Is to make this world a more joyful place. That is my God's plan for me.

Self-worth 

I need people to like me. I have to feel accepted by any social group. And when even a person I don't like doesn't like me, I still feel as if there is something wrong with me. Yes I know not everyone is going to like me, but that doesn't seem to register in my brain when the situation arises. I question weather or not I need to change in some way, how I can make them like me, or even blame myself for everything that has gone wrong. I base my self-worth on if someone likes me or not. And that has never changed. There even comes a point where I value a person's view of me over Heavenly Father's. And because of those opinions I begin to think I have to change what I want in life to fix what they think is best.
     Because I feel this way, life becomes so much more difficult for me. But what about Heavenly Father's opinion of me? What would He think? And what would I do if He came down right now and told me exactly how He felt? Do I even value God's opinion more than others? All of this is "easier said than done" though. It's not easy to let go how someone feels about you. It's not easy to feel vulnerable. Or to not feel enough.. 
    You are enough for Him. You are enough for Him to send His son to die for you. You are enough for Him to trust in you with your challenges. You are enough for Him to give you blessings in your life. You are enough for Him to give you His words through scriptures. You are enough for someone out there to love you. You are enough for Him. 
   I know that I am more than what a person thinks of me. I am special. I have gifts that are unique to me and my life. And I can't let what others think of me let me forget that. I can't let people make me question who I am or who I want to be. I need to remember that Heavenly Father's opinion is the only one that truly matters. I need to value Him over everyone and everything. He is the one that truly can make me joyful in my life and the life that is going to come. I am so blessed to have that knowledge. To know that I am enough for someone and someone that is so meaningful in my life. 

I am enough for God, therefore I am enough for you. 

The Clock Strikes Midnight 

Ever thought about how crazy it is that it's already 2015? 
15 years ago I was 6 years old. I played with hot wheels and barbies and only being afraid of what might be under my bed (not saying that I'm still not afraid of that). At 6 years old I never thought my life would be what it is today. And as the clock begins to read January 1st, 2015, we all begin to reflect on what we have gone through in the last year. 
But, as my new year hit, it was not what I had expected. Bear with me here, I'm about to have a "Dear Diary" moment. These past few months my life has been anything but what I want it to be. As a girl we all go through the breakups and heartaches and then makeups and new flings, but as the moments pass we forget the pain- we forget how hard it can be on our hearts to let ourselves be vulnerable. We forget how hard it is to trust in our Heavenly Father. 
And that is exactly how I feel. There are few people that really know the "me," or what I have gone through and are going through today. These feelings of just, unloved and unwanted or not cared about by families, it's a feeling that no one should ever have to go through. That's exactly how I feel at this moment. All night long I have been in tears, thinking to myself, "Why is this happening, God? What was the point in even meeting this man? Why should I marry a man whose family does not even care if I am apart of their lives? How can I marry into that? I can't!" 
And while feeling sorry for myself, I was scrolling through Instagram. On my news feed is a little 18 month year old girl named Kylie. Kylie is suffering from cancer. And it hit me, I'm over here complaining about meaningless things in the long scheme of things while this 18 month old is battling something that I couldn't even think I could handle- and she's winning. There was a woman in my church who said once, "I would rather have my problems than someone else's." 
There is always going to be someone out there who is having to trust in The Lord much more than I am. Someone out there that would much rather be going through my struggles than their own. And I am so blessed to know of that. To know that I am starting the new year healthy, with a family that loves me, with two great jobs, and such loving friends that support the heck out of me. 
There are so many blessings when everything seems to be falling apart around me. There are so many things that can make the situation much worse. So many things that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. And I'm so grateful to feel that love. 

I wish everyone a blissful 2015 and that we will remember those blessings when we think everything is going wrong.