Mission & Marriage 

My church has this reputation for girls getting married young and then having lots of lots kids. And while there is nothing wrong with that and that is for some women, it's not for everyone. What about the ladies that feel the need to serve a full time mission?
The way a mission works in my church is that a single adult will go to a certain location and serve there for a period of time- for ladies it is 18 months. People that choose to preach our faith sacrifice more than just 18 months of their lives. They give up television, radio, for girls-cute clothes, and being able to focus on their lives. But, they do it because they know that they should. Now, granted most of these women either have boyfriends on missions or are single. However, there is that 1% that have boyfriends that are home and they still want to go. What do they do? I am apart of that percent.

Not very many people know that I am struggling between marrying my fiance and serving my church for 18 months. Not very many people may understand my decision. "But you promised to marry him?" or "Well, you're engaged, shouldn't you just get married?" And a part of me wishes that those questions were very easy to answer. But, if you're anything like me, a person who doesn't want to reject anything later in life, you know that's not true. These are both great choices and will make me happy, but, that doesn't make choosing any easier. I love my fiance more than anything. I may not be able to always express it in a loving way, but if I didn't love him the way I do, leaving would not be this difficult. But it's because I love him so much that I'm still not one hundred percent certain on my decision. What about the Lord though? As much as I love my fiance, I will always love The Lord more. He has given me so much that I always seek His guidance. And I want others to know of His love. So, what is a girl to do?

In my life, the whole 21 years of it, I have learned that when you are young is the time to selfish. That sounds bad, I know. But, for me in my life, I want to be able to look back after raising a family, that I did all I wanted to do for myself. And when you're young and not married with no kids, that's the perfect time to be selfish. To go after what you want in life, to write bucket lists and accomplish them, to actually do the DIY crafts you pinned on Pinterest, to give everything you can to The Lord and those around you. Because when you have a family or are married, life get's tougher to focus on what truly matters in life and that making sure you do everything you can to know that you won't be bitter towards your spouse for not accomplishing a goal or forcing your kids to do things you only wish you could have done. Now, I'm not talking about going out and getting "cray cray," I'm talking about being able to go to the school you want or serve a mission, things that will only better your life. There is a reason why you want to do those things, after praying about it of course. There are reasons for everything you feel prompted to do. And if you miss out on those things because you're scared, you may reject it.

I'm very terrified that I will come home and I will no longer be getting married to my best friend. I'm terrified that his family will no longer accept me because I made him wait for me. I'm terrified that I will miss out so much on my friends lives that I won't even cross their minds anymore. I'm terrified that I'll be too far behind in school to really catch up or that when I come home, I still won't know what I want to do with my life. I'm terrified that people will judge me for me decision. I'm terrified that I will have made the wrong decision after all. But, what I've come to know is that if you left fear from holding you back, you will never truly live. That still doesn't help me make my decision though.

I've been so hurt in my life by almost everyone that I hold dear to my heart. I've been called names, picked on, pushed around, and just dropped by people I thought really loved me. And it hurts when you think people love you for you and you come to find out that's not true. So, why do I want to put myself through all of that again? To just be judged once again for making a choice that people won't understand or will be hurt by? When I was a 13 year old girl, I was fed up with my life. I had parents that were always yelling at me, friends that started "HATE" clubs about me, and boys that didn't want to date me. So, I decided that one day, I would try and commit suicide. That point in my life, I was no where near the Lord. I was playing with Satan. And it is the worst feeling one can go through. It's dark, lonely, and all your faults haunt you. And I think that's what some young women go through when they are trying to make decisions. Our church because of the reputation, doesn't always make it easy on them to do what they feel is right. And I want people to know, that the church loves you any way you choose. And those that truly support you will too. BE SELFISH. Get married instead of serving, serve instead of getting married, go to this school vs. that school. But, you can only really make those decisions through prayer- knowing that's what God has in store for you.

Do what you know you have to do. And there is a reason for it. I know what it's like feeling pressure to get married and start a family or to serve because you're single and there's no one in your line of dating. Do things because Heavenly Father is telling you too, not because others are. And trust me, I know what it feels like to think no one understands you.