"Non-Member Parents" 

I come from a family that was not very religious growing up. My father was raised Catholic and my mother Presbyterian. And over time, my mom has slithered into the traditions of the Catholic faith. So telling my parents that I wanted to be "Mormon" was one of the most terrifying, heart breaking decision. As most people who do not believe in our church, the one thing that makes them more than angry is the fact that they cannot see their child get married. And my parents are part of that group. They have a very difficult time accepting the traditions of my church. And for a while, they hated me for it. I never understood how parents could turn their backs on their own child purely based on faith, but it happened.
          If you're apart of the LDS church you know how important family is to us. Going around the room in an women's event they asked us to name things we are thankful for and a majority always mentioned family. In my head I kept thinking, "I'm not grateful for mine. They don't make me feel loved at all. I don't have a family that is loving like everyone else's." And as the holidays got closer, the same sort of phrase came up: "I'm so grateful for my family. Families are truly from Heavenly Father," and my favorite, "Heavenly Father placed you in your family because He loves you." WHAT?!? ME AND MY FAMILY?! ARE YOU FOR REAL?! How can I be placed in this family because God loves me? That doesn't make sense? My family doesn't love me. My family treats me like I'm kind of alien living in their house.
         But I was wrong. Heavenly fathered placed us in our families for a specific purpose. Mine is to be a bridge between my parents and the LDS church. Mine is to show my parents that the church wants so many blessings for each and everyone of us, not just people that belong to the church. Mine is to be strong, to be the instrument for my family and others. Because of the things my family has gone through, I am able to see that I have a testimony. I have a testimony that families really do mean so much. And by enduring, so many blessings will come of that.
       Think about how you talk to our Father in Heaven. Do you yell at Him? Do you call Him mean names? Do you say hurtful things behind His back? Because I know that I have done all of those things to my parents. But, I would never do that with God. And why not? Because Heavenly Father wants what is best for us. The difference though? Our parents aren't God. We can't expect them to be perfect or to react the way we want them to. We only have to have hope that one day, they will understand. They will be apart of our lives, fully, including the church. We have to accept that our parents love us and that they aren't perfect-reacting the only way they see fit to protect their hearts as well. 
       I also know that because of the Lord, my parents do in fact love me. It's been so hard on all of us. We have all said things and done things that have hurt the other, but in the end, Christ prevails. My parents just want the best for me. And joining the church, they didn't think that was the "best." It's not that they don't love me, it is the fact of being hurt. People deal with being hurt in many different ways. Most of the time, ignoring the person and the problem is just easier than having to grasp that you can't see a marriage or hear "weird" things that you don't agree with. It's easier to just ignore. But, they aren't ignoring you, they are ignoring the church.
       I have a testimony that Christ performs miracles. That through The Lord all hearts are able to soften if you stick to what you know is true. I have a testimony that we are all placed in our families for a specific purpose and sometimes we don't know that reason right away. I have a testimony of prayer-that by talking to God we are letting Him know we care and want Him to take over for us. 

He's on your side 

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I have had in what seems like a long time. There were times in my life that I felt utterly alone. I felt so unwanted, unloved, and useless. Like if I were to disappear, no one would even notice and if they did, they wouldn't care. It's such a heat breaking feeling, on top of the struggles that I was going through. And that's exactly how I felt like yesterday. That heat wrenching, I might die of a broken heart feeling. And I thought those days were behind me.. 

As I was going through these motions, I was sitting in my car, just sobbing. I was wondering how can I feel this way again? I am such a horrible person. Everything is always my fault. I should just disappear and make everyone's lives better without me. No one loves me, no one is supporting me, no one gets me, and no one is on my side. I felt so low. All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and just shut my eyes and pretend that I am someone else- that I'm prettier, smarter, funnier, more spiritual, just someone better. And then it hit me. 

Heavenly Father is on my side. God, He loves me more than I can even imagine. He is in my corner, He's the guy that if I was in a boxing match would be giving me my towel, sips of water, and ways to win this fight. If we were high school girlfriends would be that friend that said, "OH NO THEY DIDN'T HONEY!" He's that person. That one person you know you go to when things aren't going your way to support you. But what's so even more amazing about our God is that not only does He support you, He tells you the truth. He's the best support you can have in your life. You ask Him for guidance and He gives it you. He can make you feel so loved it's almost unbelievable. 

And has I continue my life, I have to remember that when I feel so alone and helpless, Heavenly Father is only making me into a better person. He's molding me and breaking me-humbling me to be a better person for His kingdom. A better person for my family, my kids, my friends, and for me. And I am so grateful to be able to have that in my life.

Why are you doing this? 

When I first was baptized into the church, my family was less then enthusiastic.  My dad threatened to kick me out, told me that he would never let someone in a "cult" live in his home, and didn't speak to me. While my mom just broke into tears and kept saying, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT OUR FAMILY?" I knew that when I made that decision, it was going to be difficult, but I never anticipated how hard it would be to get through it.

For a long time, there was no talking to my parents- I was treated as if I didn't belong, like I was hated. I was expected to buy my own food if I wanted to eat, and I was threatened with paying rent, and taking away my form of transportation to and from work or school, and said that I didn't care about my family. And it hurt like no other. There is no worse feeling than to feel rejected by the people that are supposed to love you unconditionally. There's no worse feeling than to know you're family will treat you that way based on the church you attend. There's no worse feeling. And as hard as that was, that was only the beginning.

I knew because of the way my family felt about my church there was no way I was going to be able to serve a mission or even get married in the Temple right away. I didn't even think I was going to be able to share that part of my life or introduce them to my friends who are members of the church. I really truly believed they would hate me and my church for as long as I lived. That I would have no relationship with them. Everyone kept telling me, "They will come around. Things will get better." And I knew that was true, but I don't think I truly understood how true that could be.

The Lord, my friends, really does provide miracles. And as I'm preparing for my mission, the realization hit me. My parents ARE supportive of my mission. Like what?! I never thought I would see the day where they tell to go out and preach the gospel of the church. Like what?! (It's so crazy I had to say it twice). And while they are not so found of some things about serving, they still want me to go. I have proof that The Lord does give miracles. To me, it's my modern day parting of the Red Sea- my parents being able to see what matters most to me, looking beyond themselves.

And while, again, this is only just the beginning, it's a small part of my life that has given me a huge blessing. I have seen that by trusting Heavenly Father and following His promptings in my life, that He will bless me. It may not be easy, but, it's worth it. I have seen the blessings that have come from it.

Mission & Marriage 

My church has this reputation for girls getting married young and then having lots of lots kids. And while there is nothing wrong with that and that is for some women, it's not for everyone. What about the ladies that feel the need to serve a full time mission?
The way a mission works in my church is that a single adult will go to a certain location and serve there for a period of time- for ladies it is 18 months. People that choose to preach our faith sacrifice more than just 18 months of their lives. They give up television, radio, for girls-cute clothes, and being able to focus on their lives. But, they do it because they know that they should. Now, granted most of these women either have boyfriends on missions or are single. However, there is that 1% that have boyfriends that are home and they still want to go. What do they do? I am apart of that percent.

Not very many people know that I am struggling between marrying my fiance and serving my church for 18 months. Not very many people may understand my decision. "But you promised to marry him?" or "Well, you're engaged, shouldn't you just get married?" And a part of me wishes that those questions were very easy to answer. But, if you're anything like me, a person who doesn't want to reject anything later in life, you know that's not true. These are both great choices and will make me happy, but, that doesn't make choosing any easier. I love my fiance more than anything. I may not be able to always express it in a loving way, but if I didn't love him the way I do, leaving would not be this difficult. But it's because I love him so much that I'm still not one hundred percent certain on my decision. What about the Lord though? As much as I love my fiance, I will always love The Lord more. He has given me so much that I always seek His guidance. And I want others to know of His love. So, what is a girl to do?

In my life, the whole 21 years of it, I have learned that when you are young is the time to selfish. That sounds bad, I know. But, for me in my life, I want to be able to look back after raising a family, that I did all I wanted to do for myself. And when you're young and not married with no kids, that's the perfect time to be selfish. To go after what you want in life, to write bucket lists and accomplish them, to actually do the DIY crafts you pinned on Pinterest, to give everything you can to The Lord and those around you. Because when you have a family or are married, life get's tougher to focus on what truly matters in life and that making sure you do everything you can to know that you won't be bitter towards your spouse for not accomplishing a goal or forcing your kids to do things you only wish you could have done. Now, I'm not talking about going out and getting "cray cray," I'm talking about being able to go to the school you want or serve a mission, things that will only better your life. There is a reason why you want to do those things, after praying about it of course. There are reasons for everything you feel prompted to do. And if you miss out on those things because you're scared, you may reject it.

I'm very terrified that I will come home and I will no longer be getting married to my best friend. I'm terrified that his family will no longer accept me because I made him wait for me. I'm terrified that I will miss out so much on my friends lives that I won't even cross their minds anymore. I'm terrified that I'll be too far behind in school to really catch up or that when I come home, I still won't know what I want to do with my life. I'm terrified that people will judge me for me decision. I'm terrified that I will have made the wrong decision after all. But, what I've come to know is that if you left fear from holding you back, you will never truly live. That still doesn't help me make my decision though.

I've been so hurt in my life by almost everyone that I hold dear to my heart. I've been called names, picked on, pushed around, and just dropped by people I thought really loved me. And it hurts when you think people love you for you and you come to find out that's not true. So, why do I want to put myself through all of that again? To just be judged once again for making a choice that people won't understand or will be hurt by? When I was a 13 year old girl, I was fed up with my life. I had parents that were always yelling at me, friends that started "HATE" clubs about me, and boys that didn't want to date me. So, I decided that one day, I would try and commit suicide. That point in my life, I was no where near the Lord. I was playing with Satan. And it is the worst feeling one can go through. It's dark, lonely, and all your faults haunt you. And I think that's what some young women go through when they are trying to make decisions. Our church because of the reputation, doesn't always make it easy on them to do what they feel is right. And I want people to know, that the church loves you any way you choose. And those that truly support you will too. BE SELFISH. Get married instead of serving, serve instead of getting married, go to this school vs. that school. But, you can only really make those decisions through prayer- knowing that's what God has in store for you.

Do what you know you have to do. And there is a reason for it. I know what it's like feeling pressure to get married and start a family or to serve because you're single and there's no one in your line of dating. Do things because Heavenly Father is telling you too, not because others are. And trust me, I know what it feels like to think no one understands you.

Why I'm Mormon. 

I know for a fact there a lot of people that I am friends with on Facebook, or Instagram that do not understand why I choose to be apart of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, or as it is most commonly referred to as the "Mormon" church. They think it's some kind of "cult" that does not allow you to dance, or watch reality television, or make decisions for yourself. A lot of the time, people will joke around with me, and others that are part of the church, about certain aspects of the church, true or not. And yes, while it is kind of funny sometimes, in the end, most continue to think my decision was weird or stupid or again, cult related. I am here to tell you that as a member of this church, and as member of a previous non-Mormon church, being brain washed is not the reason I joined.

Why are you Catholic? Why are you Christian? Why are you Atheist? Or Muslim? Why do you not get into religion at all? Why do you do what you do?
The answer: because that's what you feel is right. That is what you want right now in life. And you have the freedom to do that. You have the freedom to choose. And so do I. We all have the right to believe what we want to believe. And who can judge us for that? Not anyone. If you want to not believe there is God, then do it. And if I want to believe in the LDS Church, then I will do that too. But, what I do not believe in is attacking those that do not have the same kind of faith as you do.

As a follower of Christ, He says to love everyone. Not just people of the same faith as you, but everyone. When I was judged and yelled at for becoming a member of my church, I learned that the hard way. And that a lot of people will try to tell you that your decision is wrong or to change your mind. Or to even go as far as you will end up in "Hell." The matter of the fact is, is that that is not love. Love is allowing people to be themselves. Love is just simply sharing what you believe with no intent of converting them to your faith. Love is loving them for who they are now, not who you think they should be. Yes yes yes I know, my church is really known for having "Missionaries" to try and do the thing I just said is not love. But to me, those missionaries are just trying to share their love for their faith. And just want people to know about it. It doesn't mean they are expecting you to join the church (they are hopeful), but they know that you have that right to agency & respect it. Now, I'm not speaking for all Mormons. Just like any church, or any faith, or any non-faith, there are always people that are not perfect. Including myself. There are people that over look agency and respect and will judge you. But know, that's not how God feels. He just loves you for you as you are now.

So, the next time you are judging people for their faith, know that there is probably someone judging you as well, and it hurts doesn't it?