Jeremiah 29:11

The verse reads, "I know the plans I have for you."
I think I have read that same verse and same sentence time and time again. Over and over. And still it never truly sunk in until now. Think about it, God knows our plans for our lives. He knows everything we will go through, every path we will choose to take, every emotion we will encounter along that way. He knows everything. I can't even begin to describe how weird that is to me. I love God more than anyone and anything but that is weird. Sometimes I think how can He? There are so many people in this world, how can He know my life? He must be one organized person..

But just like He loves me specifically, He knows everything about me. He just knows. And on one side, the impatient side, wants to know the things in my life that I will encounter. I want to know who I will marry, if I will have kids, what my life career will be. I just want to know so much! And that's what makes it hard to take action on very risky situations, the not knowing part. I am the person that reads the end of the book first and skips ahead in Netflix shows to see how things turn out. But, the other side of me has a very comforting feel in knowing that Heavenly Father knows what I will be doing and going through and will be there for me when I need it.

It's weird to think that my whole life is already planned out. That no matter what path I choose to take, the long or short way, that it will all mean something in the end. That by trusting in God and following His plan for me, I will be okay. But it is His plan, not mine. When Heavenly Father says jump, I jump. And while some people may think that's being "brain washed" or "not living for myself," I have learned that by not listening to the Holy Ghost and God, the route is that much longer and that more painful. "I know the plans I have for you." And those plans will include so much joy, so much life, and so much love. But, I have to trust in the fact that He knows better than I do. I have to have faith. Because if I don't I will loose my purpose.

My purpose is to trust in my God. Is to show people the love of Christ through my actions. Is to make this world a more joyful place. That is my God's plan for me.

Self-worth 

I need people to like me. I have to feel accepted by any social group. And when even a person I don't like doesn't like me, I still feel as if there is something wrong with me. Yes I know not everyone is going to like me, but that doesn't seem to register in my brain when the situation arises. I question weather or not I need to change in some way, how I can make them like me, or even blame myself for everything that has gone wrong. I base my self-worth on if someone likes me or not. And that has never changed. There even comes a point where I value a person's view of me over Heavenly Father's. And because of those opinions I begin to think I have to change what I want in life to fix what they think is best.
     Because I feel this way, life becomes so much more difficult for me. But what about Heavenly Father's opinion of me? What would He think? And what would I do if He came down right now and told me exactly how He felt? Do I even value God's opinion more than others? All of this is "easier said than done" though. It's not easy to let go how someone feels about you. It's not easy to feel vulnerable. Or to not feel enough.. 
    You are enough for Him. You are enough for Him to send His son to die for you. You are enough for Him to trust in you with your challenges. You are enough for Him to give you blessings in your life. You are enough for Him to give you His words through scriptures. You are enough for someone out there to love you. You are enough for Him. 
   I know that I am more than what a person thinks of me. I am special. I have gifts that are unique to me and my life. And I can't let what others think of me let me forget that. I can't let people make me question who I am or who I want to be. I need to remember that Heavenly Father's opinion is the only one that truly matters. I need to value Him over everyone and everything. He is the one that truly can make me joyful in my life and the life that is going to come. I am so blessed to have that knowledge. To know that I am enough for someone and someone that is so meaningful in my life. 

I am enough for God, therefore I am enough for you. 

The Clock Strikes Midnight 

Ever thought about how crazy it is that it's already 2015? 
15 years ago I was 6 years old. I played with hot wheels and barbies and only being afraid of what might be under my bed (not saying that I'm still not afraid of that). At 6 years old I never thought my life would be what it is today. And as the clock begins to read January 1st, 2015, we all begin to reflect on what we have gone through in the last year. 
But, as my new year hit, it was not what I had expected. Bear with me here, I'm about to have a "Dear Diary" moment. These past few months my life has been anything but what I want it to be. As a girl we all go through the breakups and heartaches and then makeups and new flings, but as the moments pass we forget the pain- we forget how hard it can be on our hearts to let ourselves be vulnerable. We forget how hard it is to trust in our Heavenly Father. 
And that is exactly how I feel. There are few people that really know the "me," or what I have gone through and are going through today. These feelings of just, unloved and unwanted or not cared about by families, it's a feeling that no one should ever have to go through. That's exactly how I feel at this moment. All night long I have been in tears, thinking to myself, "Why is this happening, God? What was the point in even meeting this man? Why should I marry a man whose family does not even care if I am apart of their lives? How can I marry into that? I can't!" 
And while feeling sorry for myself, I was scrolling through Instagram. On my news feed is a little 18 month year old girl named Kylie. Kylie is suffering from cancer. And it hit me, I'm over here complaining about meaningless things in the long scheme of things while this 18 month old is battling something that I couldn't even think I could handle- and she's winning. There was a woman in my church who said once, "I would rather have my problems than someone else's." 
There is always going to be someone out there who is having to trust in The Lord much more than I am. Someone out there that would much rather be going through my struggles than their own. And I am so blessed to know of that. To know that I am starting the new year healthy, with a family that loves me, with two great jobs, and such loving friends that support the heck out of me. 
There are so many blessings when everything seems to be falling apart around me. There are so many things that can make the situation much worse. So many things that Heavenly Father has blessed me with. And I'm so grateful to feel that love. 

I wish everyone a blissful 2015 and that we will remember those blessings when we think everything is going wrong.
 

"Non-Member Parents" 

I come from a family that was not very religious growing up. My father was raised Catholic and my mother Presbyterian. And over time, my mom has slithered into the traditions of the Catholic faith. So telling my parents that I wanted to be "Mormon" was one of the most terrifying, heart breaking decision. As most people who do not believe in our church, the one thing that makes them more than angry is the fact that they cannot see their child get married. And my parents are part of that group. They have a very difficult time accepting the traditions of my church. And for a while, they hated me for it. I never understood how parents could turn their backs on their own child purely based on faith, but it happened.
          If you're apart of the LDS church you know how important family is to us. Going around the room in an women's event they asked us to name things we are thankful for and a majority always mentioned family. In my head I kept thinking, "I'm not grateful for mine. They don't make me feel loved at all. I don't have a family that is loving like everyone else's." And as the holidays got closer, the same sort of phrase came up: "I'm so grateful for my family. Families are truly from Heavenly Father," and my favorite, "Heavenly Father placed you in your family because He loves you." WHAT?!? ME AND MY FAMILY?! ARE YOU FOR REAL?! How can I be placed in this family because God loves me? That doesn't make sense? My family doesn't love me. My family treats me like I'm kind of alien living in their house.
         But I was wrong. Heavenly fathered placed us in our families for a specific purpose. Mine is to be a bridge between my parents and the LDS church. Mine is to show my parents that the church wants so many blessings for each and everyone of us, not just people that belong to the church. Mine is to be strong, to be the instrument for my family and others. Because of the things my family has gone through, I am able to see that I have a testimony. I have a testimony that families really do mean so much. And by enduring, so many blessings will come of that.
       Think about how you talk to our Father in Heaven. Do you yell at Him? Do you call Him mean names? Do you say hurtful things behind His back? Because I know that I have done all of those things to my parents. But, I would never do that with God. And why not? Because Heavenly Father wants what is best for us. The difference though? Our parents aren't God. We can't expect them to be perfect or to react the way we want them to. We only have to have hope that one day, they will understand. They will be apart of our lives, fully, including the church. We have to accept that our parents love us and that they aren't perfect-reacting the only way they see fit to protect their hearts as well. 
       I also know that because of the Lord, my parents do in fact love me. It's been so hard on all of us. We have all said things and done things that have hurt the other, but in the end, Christ prevails. My parents just want the best for me. And joining the church, they didn't think that was the "best." It's not that they don't love me, it is the fact of being hurt. People deal with being hurt in many different ways. Most of the time, ignoring the person and the problem is just easier than having to grasp that you can't see a marriage or hear "weird" things that you don't agree with. It's easier to just ignore. But, they aren't ignoring you, they are ignoring the church.
       I have a testimony that Christ performs miracles. That through The Lord all hearts are able to soften if you stick to what you know is true. I have a testimony that we are all placed in our families for a specific purpose and sometimes we don't know that reason right away. I have a testimony of prayer-that by talking to God we are letting Him know we care and want Him to take over for us. 

He's on your side 

Yesterday was probably one of the worst days I have had in what seems like a long time. There were times in my life that I felt utterly alone. I felt so unwanted, unloved, and useless. Like if I were to disappear, no one would even notice and if they did, they wouldn't care. It's such a heat breaking feeling, on top of the struggles that I was going through. And that's exactly how I felt like yesterday. That heat wrenching, I might die of a broken heart feeling. And I thought those days were behind me.. 

As I was going through these motions, I was sitting in my car, just sobbing. I was wondering how can I feel this way again? I am such a horrible person. Everything is always my fault. I should just disappear and make everyone's lives better without me. No one loves me, no one is supporting me, no one gets me, and no one is on my side. I felt so low. All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and just shut my eyes and pretend that I am someone else- that I'm prettier, smarter, funnier, more spiritual, just someone better. And then it hit me. 

Heavenly Father is on my side. God, He loves me more than I can even imagine. He is in my corner, He's the guy that if I was in a boxing match would be giving me my towel, sips of water, and ways to win this fight. If we were high school girlfriends would be that friend that said, "OH NO THEY DIDN'T HONEY!" He's that person. That one person you know you go to when things aren't going your way to support you. But what's so even more amazing about our God is that not only does He support you, He tells you the truth. He's the best support you can have in your life. You ask Him for guidance and He gives it you. He can make you feel so loved it's almost unbelievable. 

And has I continue my life, I have to remember that when I feel so alone and helpless, Heavenly Father is only making me into a better person. He's molding me and breaking me-humbling me to be a better person for His kingdom. A better person for my family, my kids, my friends, and for me. And I am so grateful to be able to have that in my life.

Why are you doing this? 

When I first was baptized into the church, my family was less then enthusiastic.  My dad threatened to kick me out, told me that he would never let someone in a "cult" live in his home, and didn't speak to me. While my mom just broke into tears and kept saying, "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME? DON'T YOU CARE ABOUT OUR FAMILY?" I knew that when I made that decision, it was going to be difficult, but I never anticipated how hard it would be to get through it.

For a long time, there was no talking to my parents- I was treated as if I didn't belong, like I was hated. I was expected to buy my own food if I wanted to eat, and I was threatened with paying rent, and taking away my form of transportation to and from work or school, and said that I didn't care about my family. And it hurt like no other. There is no worse feeling than to feel rejected by the people that are supposed to love you unconditionally. There's no worse feeling than to know you're family will treat you that way based on the church you attend. There's no worse feeling. And as hard as that was, that was only the beginning.

I knew because of the way my family felt about my church there was no way I was going to be able to serve a mission or even get married in the Temple right away. I didn't even think I was going to be able to share that part of my life or introduce them to my friends who are members of the church. I really truly believed they would hate me and my church for as long as I lived. That I would have no relationship with them. Everyone kept telling me, "They will come around. Things will get better." And I knew that was true, but I don't think I truly understood how true that could be.

The Lord, my friends, really does provide miracles. And as I'm preparing for my mission, the realization hit me. My parents ARE supportive of my mission. Like what?! I never thought I would see the day where they tell to go out and preach the gospel of the church. Like what?! (It's so crazy I had to say it twice). And while they are not so found of some things about serving, they still want me to go. I have proof that The Lord does give miracles. To me, it's my modern day parting of the Red Sea- my parents being able to see what matters most to me, looking beyond themselves.

And while, again, this is only just the beginning, it's a small part of my life that has given me a huge blessing. I have seen that by trusting Heavenly Father and following His promptings in my life, that He will bless me. It may not be easy, but, it's worth it. I have seen the blessings that have come from it.

Mission & Marriage 

My church has this reputation for girls getting married young and then having lots of lots kids. And while there is nothing wrong with that and that is for some women, it's not for everyone. What about the ladies that feel the need to serve a full time mission?
The way a mission works in my church is that a single adult will go to a certain location and serve there for a period of time- for ladies it is 18 months. People that choose to preach our faith sacrifice more than just 18 months of their lives. They give up television, radio, for girls-cute clothes, and being able to focus on their lives. But, they do it because they know that they should. Now, granted most of these women either have boyfriends on missions or are single. However, there is that 1% that have boyfriends that are home and they still want to go. What do they do? I am apart of that percent.

Not very many people know that I am struggling between marrying my fiance and serving my church for 18 months. Not very many people may understand my decision. "But you promised to marry him?" or "Well, you're engaged, shouldn't you just get married?" And a part of me wishes that those questions were very easy to answer. But, if you're anything like me, a person who doesn't want to reject anything later in life, you know that's not true. These are both great choices and will make me happy, but, that doesn't make choosing any easier. I love my fiance more than anything. I may not be able to always express it in a loving way, but if I didn't love him the way I do, leaving would not be this difficult. But it's because I love him so much that I'm still not one hundred percent certain on my decision. What about the Lord though? As much as I love my fiance, I will always love The Lord more. He has given me so much that I always seek His guidance. And I want others to know of His love. So, what is a girl to do?

In my life, the whole 21 years of it, I have learned that when you are young is the time to selfish. That sounds bad, I know. But, for me in my life, I want to be able to look back after raising a family, that I did all I wanted to do for myself. And when you're young and not married with no kids, that's the perfect time to be selfish. To go after what you want in life, to write bucket lists and accomplish them, to actually do the DIY crafts you pinned on Pinterest, to give everything you can to The Lord and those around you. Because when you have a family or are married, life get's tougher to focus on what truly matters in life and that making sure you do everything you can to know that you won't be bitter towards your spouse for not accomplishing a goal or forcing your kids to do things you only wish you could have done. Now, I'm not talking about going out and getting "cray cray," I'm talking about being able to go to the school you want or serve a mission, things that will only better your life. There is a reason why you want to do those things, after praying about it of course. There are reasons for everything you feel prompted to do. And if you miss out on those things because you're scared, you may reject it.

I'm very terrified that I will come home and I will no longer be getting married to my best friend. I'm terrified that his family will no longer accept me because I made him wait for me. I'm terrified that I will miss out so much on my friends lives that I won't even cross their minds anymore. I'm terrified that I'll be too far behind in school to really catch up or that when I come home, I still won't know what I want to do with my life. I'm terrified that people will judge me for me decision. I'm terrified that I will have made the wrong decision after all. But, what I've come to know is that if you left fear from holding you back, you will never truly live. That still doesn't help me make my decision though.

I've been so hurt in my life by almost everyone that I hold dear to my heart. I've been called names, picked on, pushed around, and just dropped by people I thought really loved me. And it hurts when you think people love you for you and you come to find out that's not true. So, why do I want to put myself through all of that again? To just be judged once again for making a choice that people won't understand or will be hurt by? When I was a 13 year old girl, I was fed up with my life. I had parents that were always yelling at me, friends that started "HATE" clubs about me, and boys that didn't want to date me. So, I decided that one day, I would try and commit suicide. That point in my life, I was no where near the Lord. I was playing with Satan. And it is the worst feeling one can go through. It's dark, lonely, and all your faults haunt you. And I think that's what some young women go through when they are trying to make decisions. Our church because of the reputation, doesn't always make it easy on them to do what they feel is right. And I want people to know, that the church loves you any way you choose. And those that truly support you will too. BE SELFISH. Get married instead of serving, serve instead of getting married, go to this school vs. that school. But, you can only really make those decisions through prayer- knowing that's what God has in store for you.

Do what you know you have to do. And there is a reason for it. I know what it's like feeling pressure to get married and start a family or to serve because you're single and there's no one in your line of dating. Do things because Heavenly Father is telling you too, not because others are. And trust me, I know what it feels like to think no one understands you.